Where She Hangs Her Hat
by Oneturtledove
Summary: I've no fear of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work. Dantana in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: They aren't mine.

Spoilers: Eh, you'll find out later.

A/N: I have decided that Lindsay is my homegirl. Therefore, I must write her like crazy. I cannot get this idea out of my head, despite a whole day of trying, so that means it must be written. It will follow the show later.

* * *

The old mattress squeaked beneath her as she rolled over to look at the clock. It had been almost three hours since she had bid her parents goodnight and climbed the stairs to her childhood bedroom, and sleep was no closer now that it had been then. She had the window open, and the cool breeze licked at her skin urging her into relaxation and restfulness. But her overactive brain was having none of it.

Thwacking her pillow into submission again, she flopped down and tried to get comfortable. This was her last night in Montana for a long time, and while she had been thinking of New York as a great adventure, she was starting to wish she could just put it off for a year or two. Wasn't it just yesterday that she was ten and going to summer camp for the first time? She remembered being homesick and crying a lot the first day, wanting nothing more than to go home and crawl up on the couch between her parents and watch a movie. She imagined that was what New York would be like, except she didn't get to come home at the end of a week, and it wasn't going to be all fun and games. She had to work, she had to prove herself, and at the end of the day, she had to go home alone.

She tried to put her mind back on the adventure track, thinking of all the things New York could offer her. She'd never been out of Montana, the biggest cities she had ever been to were Billings and Bozeman, and the idea of living in a city with over eight million people made her feel like she was suffocating.

She sat up and rubbed her eyes before sighing and fixing her camisole. She wasn't going to sleep tonight. There was just no way. Stretching, she stood up and grabbed her robe off the end of the bed, throwing it around her shoulders before opening the French doors that went out to her balcony. The night was still and crisp, the crickets cutting through it in a specific symphony that could be heard no where else on earth. She knew already that New York wasn't going to have this. The stark simplicity, the vicious wilderness juxtaposed with the quiet chirping of birds in the morning. Of course New York could offer many more things, but not these little bits that were ingrained into her from the toes up.

She climbed up onto the railing and leaned against the house, taking in a deep breath and watching the stars. So much was about to change. Part of her was so ready to get out of this place that held so many memories. Become the person she wanted to be without anything tying her down. She loved Montana; it was a part of her. But there had to come a point where she broke away, where she became a person in her own right.

She had never really lived past that night in the diner. She'd grown up of course, but there was still so much she had left to do. She'd never been in love, never been in a relationship, never even been good and kissed. She hadn't changed someone's life, righted a wrong or really stood up for something she believed in. And it wasn't so much Montana that prevented her from doing it, but the complacency she had here. Her comfort zone was her constant state of being.

She pulled her knees to her chest and rested her chin on them as the wind started to blow her hair back from her face. She wouldn't sleep tonight, but instead pass the time aligning herself with this place, locking it into her soul to pull out in those moments where nothing else would help. Because in a city of eight million, she was still going to be alone.


	2. Chapter 2

Country music played softly out of the speakers as Lindsay's fingers danced over the computer keyboard. She had jumped onto a train of thought, and as long as she could keep it moving, she would be fine. The volume on the speakerphone was turned down so she wouldn't disturb anyone else, but still loud enough that she could hear her nieces' excited chatter.

"And Auntie Lin Lin, you know what happened after that?"

"No, tell me."

"Well then we had to go back to the store because they gived us the wrong thing in the whole first place! And daddy was so steamed."

"I bet he was."

"And today in ballet class my leotard got a rip in it! And you could see my skivvies!"

"No, not your skivvies!"

"And that one girl that I don't like, she laughed at me. So know what I did?"

"What did you do?"

"I pushed her right on her butt!"

"Tessa Renee!"

"You'da done it too, Auntie Lin Lin. Daddy said so."

"I'm sure he did."

"When can you come see me?"

"I don't know, honey. I have a lot of work I have to do."

Tessa sighed loudly.

"Is it more important than me?"

Lindsay bit her lip and stopped working for a moment, knowing that after that pitiful question, she couldn't justify only half listening to her niece.

"No baby, it's not more important than you. It's just… grownups have to do jobs, even when they don't want to."

"But I want you to come back to 'Atana. I need you to. Because the boy cousins are being mean to me. Jake J took my baby doll and hided her and he wouldn't tell me where she was. And then he forgot and now she's all gone, but I know you could find her, I just know it!"

"Where did he hide her?"

"In granddad's shed! He said she was in a secret spot but he can't find it."

"Next time you go in there, right next to the snow shovel there's a tiny trapdoor in the wall. I bet your doll is in there."

"Really?"

"Yep. And if she's not, then you tell Jake J that I am going to give him a swirly and make him remember where he put her."

"Okay Auntie Lin Lin!"

"I need to get back to work, okay honey?"

"Well okay. I miss you a lot."

"I miss you a lot too. I'll come home as soon as I can."

"I love you, Auntie."

"I love you too, Tessa. Bye."

She turned the phone off and sat back in her chair, her report long forgotten. She'd been I New York for almost two months now, and the desire to go home was growing. Even if she just went for a short visit it would be good enough. She was tired of waking up in the night because the noises of the city were too loud. She loved her uncle, but she was tired of crashing on his couch, and she was tired of looking at apartment after apartment and not finding anything remotely affordable or livable. She was wiped out, discouraged and just plain old grumpy.

"Hey Lindsay?" Stella started, stepping halfway in the door.

"Yeah?"

"Did you finish that report yet?"

"Almost done. I just need to proofread it and print it out."

"Okay, no pressure."

"Thanks."

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You don't look fine," she said, sitting down in the chair next to the door.

"Man, I thought if I faked it long enough."

Stella smiled.

"What's bothering you?"

"It's not a big deal," Lindsay answered with a wave of her hand.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm just a little homesick. I'll get over it."

"It's hard to not be when you get a phone call like that."

"You heard it?"

"Just the tail end. How old is she?"

"Five. She's the youngest of all the cousins, and the only girl. Apparently Monroes are nearly incapable of producing females."

"The youngest and the only girl? Sounds like someone I know."

"She's way more spoiled than I ever was, but way less rotten."

"Maybe you need to go home. The next weekend you have off."

"I've thought about it, but I don't really want to go until I have my own place and get more settled. I just… sometimes I feel like I can't breathe here, Stella. It's like I get claustrophobic just walking down the street. I know it's all in my head, but I've got to get out of the city for a while. Even just an hour."

"Then go. Learn to breathe again. I've lived her for about 110 years and heavens knows every once in a while I feel like everything is closing in on me."

"I'm glad someone gets it because sometimes I feel like I'm sounding crazy."

"Well maybe you sound crazy sometimes, like when you talk about having a hankering to go to the rodeo."

Lindsay chuckled as Stella stood up.

"Next time I'll keep my hankerin's to myself."

"Ah, don't worry about it. We kind of like that about you."

They laughed together and Stella slipped out the door, leaving Lindsay to her music and her report. She skimmed through it twice, then saved and printed and turned the computer off. It was definitely time to go home. Wherever that was.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I was in entirely too silly of a mood to be writing this, but I couldn't help it. I love countryness.

* * *

Lindsay sat at the kitchen table with a bag of peanuts and a stack of bills. She'd been in her apartment for two weeks now, and her checks had finally come with the right address printed on them. She'd always hated paying bills, but loved the feeling when they were all in their envelopes and far away from her. She rolled her neck and ate another peanut, tapping her boot clad foot on the floor in time with the music that was coming from her stereo. She was looking forward to the next two days off, hoping she could actually find the energy to finish unpacking.

There was a knock on the door and she sat there for a second, wondering who could possibly be coming to see her. She was expecting a package from her mom though, so she stood up from the table and crossed the room to the door.

"Who is it?"

"New York's finest. Open up!"

She grinned at the familiar voice and opened the door. Danny, Flack, Stella, Adam, and Hawkes all stood there with big grins on their faces.

"Hello…" she said cautiously, arching an eyebrow. "What's going on?"

"Housewarming party. Surprise!" Hawkes said, holding out some kind of Jell-o concoction.

"Are you guys for real?"

"Of course we are. Gonna be a hostess and let us in?"

She chuckled and stepped aside, and they all filed in.

"We brought you some stuff," Danny said, holding up a gift bag. "Now that you're legal, we've gotta make sure you do this right."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. See first we got you menus from the top five pizza places within delivery distance. Next, menus from the best Chinese places, most of which also deliver, but some will do take-out also."

"Do you guys think I'm a shut in or something?"

"Nah, but every New Yorker has a take out menu drawer in their kitchen. We just want you to fit in."

"Well okay," she said with a grin.

"Adam made you this list of the best places to get music in the city."

"These places have everything, you wouldn't believe it," Adam started. "Covers and live versions of bands you didn't think anyone else knew about and the guys that run these places, they're like insanely smart and know pretty much every piece of music ever written."

"He's pretty excited about it," Danny remarked, while Lindsay nodded, masking the fact that she really wanted to take a look at that list.

"And finally this little booklet we made has all types of tips and tricks that you can use so no one will ever know you're not a native."

"Yeah, cuz if they find out, they might kill you. You should start by taking those boots off," Flack said, pointing at her feet. She grimaced at him while everyone else took seats on the couch.

"We know we kinda crashed in on you, so we brought popcorn," Adam remarked, holding up a bag of popcorn kernels. "I'll even make it if you tell me where your popcorn popper is."

"It's in that box," she said, pointing to a box on the floor.

"Which one?"

"The big one on the bottom. Next to the rice maker."

"That's what she said."

"Adam, that doesn't make sense."

"I was gonna say it after you said the big one on the bottom, but you were too fast for me."

"_That's_ what she said."

Adam and Lindsay erupted into giggles while Danny, Flack and Hawkes tried to hide their grins. Stella just sighed and shook her head. She was used to their antics, but didn't want to encourage them. They all had a tendency to get sidetracked pretty easily, like a bunch of preschoolers.

"Okay, why are you guys really here?"

"It was Danny's idea," Hawkes said.

"I just figured, you're a part of our team, and we gotta make sure you've got a decent place to live. Which is why we brought security locks for your windows and extra locks for your door."

"That is the sweetest and most overprotective thing that anyone has ever done for me."

"We even brought a drill so we can get to work right now."

"That's what she said!" Adam shouted from the kitchen.

"Once a day is enough and don't you dare say it again!" Stella warned.

"Party pooper," he muttered, turning the popcorn maker on. It whirred to life and pretty soon they had a huge bowl of popcorn sitting on the coffee table.

"Adam, did you put enough butter on this? Holy cow."

"It's movie style, Stella. Don't you ever go to the movies?"

"I'd gain fifty pounds if I ate popcorn like this through a whole movie."

"That's part of the novelty."

"It's also kind of gross."

He just shrugged as Danny stood up and stretched.

"Come on men and Adam, let's get to work."

They all stood up too, wiping their hands on their jeans and grabbing the various tools they had brought with them. Lindsay exchanged glances with Stella who just smirked, not at all surprised by this show of chivalry. Mac had taught them well.

"This should be a good show," Lindsay said, settling back into the couch and crossing her arms over her chest. "I bet none of them even know how to change the temperature on a water heater, much less install security locks on a window."

"You can change the temperature on a water heater?"

"Yeah."

"How?"

"You know the front panel on it? You unscrew it and behind it is a temperature gauge. Most apartment complexes will turn it down so it doesn't burn someone. Keeps them from getting sued. But I don't want to take tepid showers for the rest of my life, so I figured out how to change it."

"You have much knowledge."

"My brain is overloaded with useless information."

"Certainly not useless. Plus you use them to tell good stories."

"I try."

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Has this same song been on repeat since we got here?"

"Yeah, I'm slightly obsessed with it right now. There's just something about unrequited love."

"I might start playing it on repeat too. I love songs that sound like the singer would be crying or screaming if they weren't busy singing."

"I know exactly what you mean."

"Nice job Flack, now it's gonna be lopsided!" Danny exclaimed from the other room.

"Great," Lindsay muttered. "Now there's going to be holes in my window sill. Why didn't Mac come to supervise?"

"We told him we were leaving and he just kind of grunted."

"Meaning what?"

"I have no idea."

"I thought you could translate the grunts."

"Every once in a while I can, but most of the time I just pretend to know what he's thinking."

"Hey look what we found!" Danny said, coming out of the bedroom with a shoebox. "Pictures!"

"Were you guys snooping in there?"

"We found this while we were looking for your underwear drawer."

"Oh geez."

"Look, it's Montana with a perm."

"Okay, that was during a very dark period in my life. I call it middle school. Stop laughing."

"We have all decided that we like you as a redhead though," Flack said, holding up a different picture.

"You guys are annoying."

"You played the violin?"

"Fiddle, and yes. I was bound and determined to play "The Devil Went Down to Georgia." I got as far as "Turkey in the Straw." I totally sucked at it, so I gave up."

"Please tell me that you know how to square dance," Hawkes said, a big grin spreading across his face.

"I can hold my own, but I'm more of a leather slappin', tush pushin' kinda girl."

"I know what that means! I know what that means!" Adam exclaimed excitedly.

"Geez, you guys act like I'm from another planet or something."

"Anyplace that a cow branding is also a gathering with a potluck is not of this world."

"Get to movin' Messer or you're going to get very closely acquainted with the business end of my boot."

"I think that's what they call getting' too big for your britches," Stella commented.

"Ooh look! Lindsay won a beauty pageant."

"Oh gag!" she exclaimed, snatching the picture from Adam's hand. "That was 4-H. My brothers entered me as a joke and then I won. That sucked."

"Lindsay, you do karaoke?" Hawkes asked, chuckling at another picture.

"I'm pretty darn tootin' good. Now gimme that box."

They surrendered the box easily and she had the sneaking suspicion that they had pilfered a few photographs. They went back into the other room to finish the job they had come to do, while Stella just laughed.

"Well Lindsay, there's no turning back now. You've been initiated."

"That was painful."

"They're going to keep harping on you to sing you know."

"Lovely."

* * *

It was almost two hours later when everyone finally left. Danny had made some excuse about helping Lindsay clean up and was currently washing her popcorn popper in the kitchen sink. Lindsay leaned against the counter and watched him, her fingers hooked in her belt loops.

"So Messer…"

"So Montana…"

"You razzin' me just for the fun of it, or were you tryna break some kind of record?"

"Ah, you can take it."

"That's not what I asked."

"For the fun of it mostly. You're a hard cage to rattle."

"Four brothers."

"You gonna call 'em up and have 'em take me down a few notches for teasin' their baby sister?"

"Nah, they'd just tell me to quit cryin'."

He smiled and dried his hands on a dishtowel before walking over to her.

"I'm gonna make you sing for me someday."

"Never going to happen, Messer."

He smirked and took her Stetson off the table, dropping it onto her head.

"Night, Montana."

"Goodnight."

She smiled as she watched him leave, then reached up and turned her hat around.

"Backwards. Typical."


	4. Chapter 4

Lindsay sighed and leaned her head against the cool glass of the subway car, glad the day was finally over. It had been a long day, a horrible case, and all she really wanted was some chocolate. She caught her reflection in the window opposite her, and she stared at it for a moment, startled at the circles under her eyes. She'd had tough cases back in Bozeman, but not this often. She barely got her head on straight from one before there was something else to deal with. There was no time to breathe, much less decompress, and of course this time, the case had hit so close to home, it was almost paralyzing. It took everything in her not to start thinking about the diner, hearing the shots, smelling the blood.

She breathed deeply and got out at the next stop, wanting to walk more than she wanted to go home and rest. Her boots clicked on the pavement as she walked, wrapping her arms around herself as a shield from the wind. She was craving the smell of diesel tractors and fresh hay, the taste of warm apple pie that had been cooling on the window sill all afternoon, the sound of a truck coming up the gravel drive, the birds chirping in the morning, and her father's guitar playing softly at night. She wanted to run through the fields, her feet bare and dirty, the tall grasses licking at her ankles, then jump into the lake with reckless abandon. She'd spent so much of her life running, moving, escaping, but somehow always staying the same. Her foot scuffed at the concrete and she sighed, digging in her pocket for her iPod. She knew exactly what she wanted to listen to right now, and she crossed her fingers that it was still there. Popping the ear buds in, she sighed, turning the music up all the way. She had every single song from this artist memorized and had been listening to her for as long as she could remember. She chose a newer but still old album and hummed along, feeling the words pounding in her chest and wishing she could turn it up even more. This song had been released her junior year of high school, and despite the upbeatness and the catchy catchphrases, it had been just what she needed to hear then, and just what she needed again.

_It takes a little time sometimes  
To get your feet back on the ground  
It takes a little time sometimes  
To get the titanic turned back around  
It takes a little time sometimes  
But baby you're not going down  
It takes more than you've got right now  
Give it time_

_What's this walking thru' my door  
I know I've seen the look before  
Sometimes in faces on the street  
Sometimes in the mirror looking back at me  
You can't fix this pain with money  
You can't rush a weary soul  
You can't sweep it under the rug, now honey  
It don't take a lot to know_

She felt lighter now, but still in need of chocolate, so she headed for the bodega near her apartment. Grabbing a basket, she began to peruse the aisles, suddenly remembering the other things she needed. A toothbrush, some pens, hairspray, a pack of gum. She was reaching for a Hershey's bar when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She spun around, ready to break the nose of the leech that dared touch her, but what she found was a pair of blue eyes staring back at her.

"Geez Montana. You're never going to land a man like that."

"You scared me, Danny."

"I didn't know my ugly mug would send someone screaming for the hills."

"Sorry. I was just in my own world and… hey, why am I apologizing to you? You were the one who snuck up on me."

"I called your name three times, I thought you'd gone deaf."

She grinned and pulled out an ear bud.

"My barrier from outside life. Apparently it works."

He grinned that sideways grin and looked down into her shopping basket.

"Exciting things going on here, huh?"

"Oh and what are you buying? Sports Illustrated and a six pack?"

"You sure know how to take a guy down a notch."

"It's my favorite hobby," she said, tossing a candy bar into her basket. She moved to the small line that had formed to check out, Danny falling in beside her.

"So what's on your agenda for the night?" he asked.

"Music. Cleaning. Bed. I should probably call my dad at some point."

"You lead a wild life, Montana."

"I'm wily," she shrugged, setting her basket on the counter. They each paid for their purchases and headed outside, walking slowly down the sidewalk.

"And what are your plans tonight, Messer?"

"Goin' to see Louie."

"How's he doing?"

"No change."

"I'm sorry, Danny."

He just nodded and they walked, both lost in their own thoughts until they came to her building. Standing on the bottom step so she was eye to eye with him, she gave him a little smile.

"I guess I should leave you to your music and cleaning and bed," he said, noticing the way she gently bit her bottom lip.

"And you'd better go see Louie," she agreed. "I'll see you in the morning, right?"

"Bright and early."

"Night, Danny."

With a grin he reached up and tugged on one of her curls.

"Night, Montana."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Dark chapter. Sorry. I love this story though, I promise.

* * *

_The blood was spattered everywhere. There were droplets on the jukebox, spray on the booths, puddles on the floor. The smell of coppery death hung in the air, the gunpowder almost visible as she stood in the middle of the room. They were all calling out for her, sobbing, wailing, begging. A hand reached out and grasped at her ankle and she screamed, kicking at it. It left a searing, white-hot pain as she pulled away, tears streaming down her face._

"_No, no, no, no!" she cried as the blood pooling around her feet became like concrete. The whole room began to fill and she struggled for the surface. She wasn't fast enough and it engulfed her, draining down her throat, filling her nose, her ears, covering her eyes. Her stomach lurched and she wanted to be sick, but there was too much pressure and she was stuck. She was dying. The most cruel death in the most cruel place, alone and struggling while all that was around her seemed to mock her. She was murdered by death itself, but it didn't let her die fully. She was still aware of the pain and horror, but unable to stop it. Out of control as always, in life, in death, in all._

Lindsay sat bolt upright in bed, struggling for air and reality. Pieces of the dream fell from the back of her mind, as extra scraps of a quilt in progress. Her hands clutched at the blanket that covered her and she ripped it off, jumping from the bed, not wanting to be touched by anything. Her bare feet slammed to the floor and she ran to the window, throwing it open and taking a deep breath. It slowed her heart rate and calmed her nerves and returned her breathing to normal.

She had to get over this. She hadn't slept more than three hours at a time in the last few weeks, and less than an hour in the last three days. It was affecting her work and she'd caught herself snapping at people for no reason. She had vowed not to let this thing take over her life, but she just couldn't escape it.

She moved from the window and into the bathroom, turning the shower up and tossing her pajamas on the floor before stepping in. She always felt a desperate need to shower after the nightmares, as if the blood was sticking to her. She remembered the feel of the blood on the knees of her jeans when she sunk down onto the floor next to Kelly that night. She'd already called the police and wanted to just stay behind that counter, but she had to check. She had to see if there was any hope. The sticky crimson fluid had made a loud squelching noise as someone helped her up off the floor. Her mind recalled the sound now, the deafening rip echoing through her skull, making her gag. She could see it, smell it, feel it, even taste the pain filled air, all her senses taken over and completely overwhelmed. A deep sob ripped from her chest, and she slid against the wall of the shower to sit on the floor, scrubbing at her knees and hands with the ironically floral scented body wash.

It would never be over, no matter what happened. She'd been so stupid to think that she was over it, that she had beaten it. How could she have, when it was such an indelible mark on her life, such an intricate part of who she was, who she'd always be?

It took her until the water ran cold to calm her crying enough that she could breathe again. She struggled to her feet and turned the water off, standing there for a moment as the steam swirled around her and she shivered. Grabbing her flannel robe off the hook on the wall, she pulled it on and tied it tightly, then toweled her hair until it was mostly dry. She ran her fingers through it then gathered it up into an elastic band before returning to her bedroom.

Grabbing an outfit from the closet, she got dressed quickly and pulled her boots on. She'd been going to work about an hour early for days. Luckily Adam was just about the only one around at that time, and he was too aloof to notice her routine. Either that, or he didn't think it was his business. Whatever the case may be, work was just about the only place she felt halfway normal these days, so to work she went.

The halls were quiet, the lab occupied by a few night techs. She stopped off in her office and draped her coat over the back of her chair, then went into the kitchen to make coffee. Adam was sitting at the table, eating junk food and reading a comic.

"A Fudgesicle and pop at five a.m.? Adam, you're going to die before you're forty."

"At least I'll be pretty."

She rolled her eyes and rinsed out the coffee pot before starting another batch.

"So tell me something, Lindsay."

"What?"

"You an insomniac or a work-a-holic?"

She sighed and popped her neck before sitting down across from him.

"I suppose it's a little of both."

"You look like it's more the former than the latter. I mean, not that you look bad, I can just see it in your eyes. Not like there's bags under your eyes-"

"Adam, let's face it. I'm a deep shade of ugly right now."

"No you're not."

"I have a mirror and I'm not blind."

"You're mean to yourself."

"Yeah, well."

"What's going on with you?"

She sighed deeply and stood up to pour a cup of coffee before she answered.

"We all have our demons, Adam. And sometimes you can't escape."

"You want to talk about it?"

"Maybe sometime. Right now it would be best if I didn't blubber in front of you."

"Would it make you feel better if I blubbered too?"

She giggled as Mac walked into the room.

"Hey," he greeted, heading for the coffee pot. "Bless the hands that prepared this."

"What, you guys don't like my boy scout sludge?" Adam asked.

"Boy scout sludge is sometimes okay. But not when you make it with twelve spoonfuls of grounds."

"How'd you know my secret?"

Mac chuckled.

"Don't ask her that, she'll demonstrate."

Lindsay rolled her eyes and Mac clapped her shoulder as he left the room.

"Getting ribbed on by the boss. That's the last sign of acceptance," Adam said, standing up and stretching. "You're in, Monroe."

"'Bout time."

He smiled and headed for the door.

"Next time those demons get the better of you, come find me. I'll listen."

"Thanks, Adam."

They shared a smile and he left the room as the sun started to creep up in the sky. For now, the light chased the horrors away, and she was free to breathe.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: The fact that Lindsay may be a slightly altered version of me is purely coincidental.

* * *

"I'll trade ya one for one," Danny said, crunching down on a Tootsie Pop and spinning halfway around in his desk chair.

"One what for one what?"

"Fun size Starburst for a mini box of nerds."

"Done," Lindsay agreed as they exchanged candy.

"Betcha can't unwrap that with just your mouth."

She glanced up at him, wondering where he was going with the challenge.

"I'm sure I can," she answered, popping the wrapped candy into her mouth. She worked it around for a moment, then smiled in victory and pulled the wrapper out.

"That's what's up, Messer."

He chuckled and tossed his lollipop stick into the garbage. Their desks had become the dumping ground for everyone else's Halloween candy. They weren't sure why, but they weren't going to fight it.

"Oh gross!" Lindsay shouted, spitting the candy into the trashcan.

"What?"

"I thought that was lemon! It was pina colada!"

"You don't like pina colada?"

"No, I do. I just wasn't expecting that."

"So you're telling me it scared you?"

"I guess so."

"You're one strange woman Lindsay Monroe."

"And I do it all for your entertainment."

"'Preciate it."

"Okay, next question. Guilty pleasure music."

"You really wanna know this? I mean you're not gonna make fun of me, are you?"

"I would never do such a thing! Unless of course you're into like Britney Spears or something."

"Nah. Cher."

"What?"

"Yes. Cher. Don't hate."

"Really, Danny? I say guilty pleasure music and you say Cher?"

"What?"

"It's CHER," Lindsay said clearly. "The woman without the last name. Cher."

"Yes Montana, I know who she is," he replied with a chuckle. "And you said you weren't gonna make fun of me.

"I can't believe it. I mean… Do you believe in life after love?"

"We all have our weaknesses."

"This is not a weakness, Danny. This is a character flaw."

"Okay, so what's your guilty pleasure? And country doesn't count because that's all just noise and-"

"Watch yourself."

"Tell me."

"I'm not ashamed of what I listen to."

"Give."

"It's not embarrassing."

"Spill it, Montana."

"The soundtrack to _Fame_."

"That's it?"

"I told you it wasn't embarrassing."

"I don't believe that's the worst," he said, standing up from his chair and crossing to her desk. "Let's open your iTunes and see what's going down."

"Have at it."

He scrolled through her library with a scowl on his face. Ninety percent of it was country, and the other ten percent was stuff he listened to himself.

"Nitty Gritty Dirt Band?"

"Fishin' in the dark."

"The Watermelon Crawl?"

"A friend to us all."

"Country music is weird."

"At least it's not Enya."

"Who listens to Enya?"

She giggled.

"Flack."

"My soul just died."

"I'm sure it did. Give me my computer back."

He smiled and moved back to his desk, propping his feet up on it.

"Does anything embarrass you, Montana?"

"Not really. I mean, I have a lot of embarrassing and stupid stories, but none of them really embarrass me."

"Why not?"

"Three easy payments of nine ninety-five to be able to laugh at myself."

"Wise investment, but I'm gonna find something someday."

"Good luck with that."

He tapped his pencil against his desk and watched her work. She bit her bottom lip in concentration, as if what she was writing was way more interesting than documenting her findings in the last case. He watched as her brow creased for a moment and she backspaced a few times before resuming her regular typing rhythm.

"Quit lookin' at me, Messer."

His face colored at being caught and he looked down at the paperwork he was supposed to be doing.

"Embarrassed?"

"Shuddup, Montana."

She grinned and grabbed the ringing phone before he could snatch it. He gave her a glare and she managed to stick her tongue out at him, but otherwise remain completely professional to the person on the other end of the line. Her eyes still danced with playfulness as she talked, and he couldn't help but watch her. He loved when she smiled. Her whole face lit up, her pink lips sliding into a grin that reached all the way up to those big brown eyes. She crinkled her nose just a fraction and she always looked like she was going to wink, as if there was some secret that no one else was in on.

"Okay, I'll be right down."

She hung up the phone and stood up, heading for the door.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Downstairs."

"For?"

"Someone's here to see me."

"Who?"

"I dunno. That's what I'm going to find out."

"Beware secret admirers."

"It's not you waitin' down there."

They looked at each other and she was suddenly afraid she'd said too much.

"Embarrassed?" he asked hopefully.

"Not in the least."

"Dang."

She smiled and left the room, wondering who could be waiting for her. Her uncle Freddy had said he was going to be in the neighborhood sometime this week, so maybe he had come to take her out for coffee or something. Standing in the elevator, she tucked her hair behind her ear and hummed along with the canned music. She was feeling a little better lately, at least not bad enough to be getting into arguments with people every three days. Still, the evenings were lonely and the nights were hard, and she was often awake before dawn, images at the forefront of her mind.

The elevator dinged and she stepped off, making her way to the front desk.

"Hey baby sister!"

And there they stood. Her Rocks of Gibraltar, her tormentors, her protectors, the men who would die for her and then chew her out for getting them into such a situation.

"Brothers Grimm! What are you doing here?"

"Mama said you were having a rough time," Jake said, as he leaned down to hug her.

"We figured we'd come bug ya," Eli added.

"Mama's got a big mouth," Lindsay said, even though she was currently very glad that her mother had a problem with gossiping. "But how did all three of you manage to get off work?"

"Don't you worry about that," Riley ordered, drawing her to his side. "You just enjoy the fact that we love you enough to sit on a plane for eight hours and try and navigate New York City when we have no idea where we're going."

"Did any of you take videos of that? Because I am guessing it was a rip snortin' good time."

"Watch it or you'll get a noogie."

She giggled and pushed his hand away.

"I wish you guys would have called. I've got an hour of work left at least."

"That's okay. We'll just come and sit in your office and play with the toys on your desk like we used to."

She rolled her eyes. They'd tried to have dinner together, just the four of them once or twice a month when she had still been living in Montana. She was always the last one to get off work, and she couldn't count how many hours they had spent in her office, making faces at her and groaning about how hungry they were.

"You guys do know that I share an office now, right?"

"Yeah, mama said you share it with a boy."

"She speaks the truth."

"You get along with this guy?"

"Sometimes. Other times his crap piles up and falls onto my desk. Those days I don't like him so much," she said, punching the up button on the elevator.

"You're not worried about cooties, baby sister?"

"The lab has all the necessary precautions," she explained with a shrug as they boarded the elevator.

"He carry a gun?"

"Yes, but yours is bigger, Jake."

"I appreciate that, Little."

She smiled as the elevator approached their floor.

"Okay, now I don't want you guys tellin' stories about me, okay?"

"What are you gonna do if we do?"

"Probably nothing, but I do know how to make a really good itching powder."

"Don't worry, I'll keep them in line," Riley offered with a grin.

"Riley, you're the worst one!"

"I do have the most material."

"You wouldn't if you hadn'ta stole my diary."

"You shouldn'ta left it on your bed."

"You shoulda kept your paws to yourself."

"I was the one who suffered through pages and pages of you swooning over some kid in your class."

"Let the punishment fit the crime," she said, smacking his arm as they approached the office. Danny looked up as the door swung open.

"Is this what they call a posse, Montana?" he muttered.

"We've been invaded," she answered. "By brothers, the incurable disease."

Danny lifted his eyebrows in amusement. He had never seen Lindsay quite so happily flustered before. Introductions were made, and hands shaken. Danny had been wondering when he was going to meet her brothers, and had thought they would be the stereotypical "touch my sister and I will kill you" kind of guys. That seemed to be so far from the case it wasn't even funny. He assumed this was because they knew that Lindsay could hold her own, and was not too happy when someone tried to step in on her behalf.

"So what brings you guys out here?" Danny asked, sitting up straighter in his chair.

"We just missed the littlest member of our quartet. Life is kinda quiet and boring without her."

"Yeah, she keeps us on our toes," Danny said, his eyes flicking over to catch her expression. She was half grinning, half focusing on the report in front of her, but he knew she felt good about the compliment, even though it was veiled.

"Talks about a thousand miles a minute."

"Gets excited about the weirdest things."

"Eats bugs."

"Would you guys quit talkin' about me like I ain't here?" Lindsay asked, rolling her eyes.

"No, because if we include you in the conversation, you're gonna have a hissy fit that we're distracting you from your work."

"Jake speaks the truth, baby sister."

"I only pitched you three down the hall that one time and you deserved it."

"Oh come on Lindsay."

"I have since learned that the phrase "I wonder if the paper shredder will shred this!" is the worst thing you can hear in an office. Because most likely, it can't."

"You're a bad sport."

"Shuddup Eli."

Danny chuckled at her glare, knowing that she was enjoying the ribbing more than she let on. He had a feeling the four of them couldn't function without picking on each other. It only made sense, as Lindsay's well placed comments could leave his head spinning. She'd been training for it her whole life. The fact that in the last few minutes she had slipped into an accent only made him laugh more.

"So Linds, none of us have eaten since this morning," Riley started, making his face as pitiful as it could possibly be.

"And?"

"Well, you love us enough to feed us, right?"

"You are grown men with jobs, wives, and numerous children. I think you can procure your own dinner."

"But what if we can't? We'll waste away into nothing. You will be left with three pairs of Wranglers, some flannel shirts, some boots, and a lot of explaining to do."

"I can lie my way out of anything. You guys know that."

"Which is the reason daddy grounded all of us for the time you forgot to latch the door on the barn and the cows got out."

"What can I say? That's him right there, wrapped around my finger," she said, crooking her pinkie at them.

"I'm just gonna make sure I stay on your good side from now on," Danny said with a laugh. She smiled and shook her head at him. "I will take their side on the eating thing though."

"Where do you suggest I take them?" she asked, her report long forgotten.

"The bug restaurant."

"Messer."

"I dunno. Rays."

"Is Rays your answer for everything?"

"Whaddya mean by that?"

"Last week you said "How's it goin'" and I said "fine" and you said "Sounds like you need some Rays." You also suggested it when I said I didn't know what time it was."

"Just tryin' to share the love, Montana."

"I think you're trying to get me fat, Messer."

"I've seen you eat. You're incapable of getting fat. You and Stella both."

She just shrugged and shut her computer down.

"Alright, I'll feed you three, but I get to pick what kind we're getting."

"No anchovies," they answered together.

"Fine, fine. You comin' Messer?"

"Yeah, sure. I might finally hear somethin' that embarrasses you."

* * *

"You gonna eat your crust?" Lindsay asked, eyeing Jake's plate. He glanced over at her and sighed. She'd already eaten three huge slices and a couple breadsticks.

"You're such a pig, baby sister. She bit my hand to get a cookie from me when she was six months old and she hasn't slowed down since," he said to Danny, shaking his head.

"I believe that. She's got a thing for stealing people's coffee. I don't know why she doesn't worry about germs."

"These jokers used to hold me by the ankles down the hole of the outhouse. Germs are moot after that."

"That's disgusting."

"That's brothers."

"We were just setting you up for the real world, where everything is crappy."

"I appreciate the gesture, Riles, but that was just overkill."

"Overkill woulda been if we did it more than once."

"You did! I shoulda learned after the first time that when you said you had a surprise for me out back, the best course of action was to run the other way."

"You know we love you."

"Yeah, whatever," she muttered, swiping a pepperoni from Danny's plate.

"Hey!"

"You weren't eatin' it."

He glared at her and wrapped his hands protectively around his plastic red cup.

"So when do you guys gotta vamoose?" Lindsay asked.

"Coupla days. Mom said you had the next few off."

"I know I should be suspicious when she starts asking specific questions," she said, shaking her head. "What else is going on at home besides mama sticking her nose in places it shouldn't go?"

"There ain't a whole lot goin' on in that one horse town," Eli answered, crunching on some ice.

"Oh come on, give me something."

"You want scandal?"

"I would love scandal."

"Jimmy left his wife."

"I knew that already."

"How did you know that already, Lindsay Monroe?" Jake asked. Danny's brow furrowed, wondering how that little phrase could throw the man in to overprotective brother mode.

"He e-mailed me. I wasn't real interested in hearing it."

"He's still in love with you."

"That's disgusting. Jimmy Peters has a better chance of falling bass-ackwards into three million bucks than he has of getting on my good side. Why he ever wanted to have anything to do with me I don't know, but I am about fifty miles south of being flattered by it."

"He's been chasin' after you since you were nine."

"And he's been looking like a kicked puppy since we were nine."

"Well maybe you shouldn'ta kicked him then."

She grinned and took a drink of her pop.

"He had it comin'."

"It's not like we weren't proud of you," Riley said. "But it did become our fault for teaching you how to fight."

"A fair exchange for never having to fight my battles for me. At least, not because I couldn't."

"What?"

"I seem to recall a few school yard scuffles over your baby sister's honor."

"You didn't hear what he said!"

"No, but no one ever thought it was true. Even people who hated me wouldn't believe that I would even let that guy kiss me, let alone get me in the backseat of his car."

"You always were a little too stuck up for your own good."

She shrugged.

"They didn't call me the Stone Cold Virgin for nothing."

Danny laughed.

"They called you that?"

"It was true."

"Man I would have hated you in high school."

"You know Danny, that could end up sounding really bad. Casanova."

"Geez, you sure know how to hurt a guy."

"You dish it out just as bad."

"Someone's gotta put you in your place before you make Adam cry."

"Funny, he says the same thing about you."

"Sheath your claws, Montana."

She smiled and rested her hands on the table.

"Smart alec."

Their verbal sparring was interrupted when Riley flicked an ice cube at them, hitting Lindsay in the face.

"Riles, why you gotta be such a dut-duh-duh?"

"A who?"

"I think she's converted to New Yorkism."

"Someone better bless her with well water, and fast."

Lindsay laughed along with them and Danny watched her, glad that the gloom was lifting from her face. She needed her family as much as she needed the open spaces of Montana, and he was hoping there would be a time soon when she could go back home. No matter how long she lived in New York, and the fact that she would always return here, he knew where her heart was.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Takes place after "Silent Night." I am sure you would have figured that out. Yeah anyway, this chapter had several different endings before I finally got lazy and picked this one. I think it works the best anyway.

* * *

Christmas music played on every station and she punched the button fiercely trying to find something that wasn't sappy yuletide serendipity. If she had to hear one more line about stupid trees and chestnuts, she was going to turn her gun on someone and there was no guarantee it wouldn't be Saint Nick himself. Parking the car, she turned it off and yanked the key out of the ignition, breathing deeply to keep herself from crying. She jerked the door open and gathered her things before making her way into the apartment building. She kept her head down and avoided making any eye contact with people in the hallways and the elevator, managing to get to her apartment without saying a word. She went straight for the fridge and pulled it open, then slammed it shut again, angry at herself for not having alcohol on hand. She would love a little whiskey right now, but she didn't keep it around just for that reason. She knew herself well enough to know that if she took one drink on a night like this, she wouldn't stop until it was gone. She'd had enough battles with it in the past, she didn't need to make more. Leaning against the counter, she took a deep breath and raked her hair out of her eyes.

She hated how this affected her. She hated that it could rule her emotions and actions, could damage her career, could make her weak and vulnerable. She'd never been that person, not until that night. And now, as much as she had told herself she would never let it win, it was getting the better of her. Maybe she didn't want this to happen. She wanted justice, yes, but she didn't know if she had the strength to be a part of it.

Tossing her coat on the back of a chair, she went into her bedroom and changed her clothes, ignoring the few pictures she had scattered around the room, ignoring the glint of the streetlights off the frames. She didn't want to look, she didn't want to feel. She just wanted to be numb. She made her way back out to the kitchen and grabbed a glass from the cupboard, figuring water would be better than nothing. Her eye caught at her reflection in the glass and she saw nothing but anger and despair and weakness. Rage bubbled up in her chest and she cursed, throwing the glass across the room where it shattered against the wall. She stared at the broken pieces and felt nothing but fury. No sadness, no regret, just her body shaking with ire as images flashed across her mind. They weren't really images of the diner or that night. Instead, she saw herself at sixteen, a bottle of beer in her hand, beyond drunk, stumbling barefoot around the school parking lot. She saw herself driving fast, cutting cookies in the snow, playing chicken on the highway. She saw herself sitting on an old threadbare couch, the room filled with smoke, and a joint in her hand. She didn't smoke it, just walked it through her fingers as the people she had met at the store got so high they passed out. Then she was at the bar again, snuck in by some friends, managing to get herself in the middle of a brawl before getting thrown out by the bartender. There she was, standing at her parents front door, a police officer on either side of her. She smelled of cheap beer and cigarettes. They'd caught her hitchhiking on the outskirts of town and tossed her in the back of their car, used to having to bail the once sweet and innocent Lindsay Monroe out of sure danger. Everyone knew she'd gone "a little nutso" after what had happened. They all knew she was reckless and bad, dabbling in all sorts of things that were a shock to the small town. But no one talked about it except to berate her occasionally.

"Look what you're doing to your mother," they would whisper harshly when they thought no one else could hear. "You're breaking her heart."

"Don't you know how disappointed your father is, Lindsay? Don't you see the tears in his eyes? The shame?"

"The girls would hate to see you like this. You're not honoring their memory."

She had wanted nothing more than to scream back at them fiercely, her defense piercing their ears, making them run and hide in shame, never to come back. She wanted to tell them that they were wrong, that no one really ever cared that much, that it didn't matter anyway. She wanted to murder anyone who came near her, torture those who dared touch her. She was spinning wildly out of control and she knew it, but she couldn't stop. Couldn't stop until she hit that wall and crumpled, weeping in a way she had never let herself before. It wasn't another tragedy or some twist of fate that had rendered her speechless. It wasn't her parents telling her that they couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't her brothers going on and on about how she needed to shape up and stop acting like an outlaw. It wasn't the sheriff looking her in the eyes and telling her she was better than this.

It was Kelly's mother Sandra, grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her so hard her neck ached.

"What are you doing to yourself?" she had screamed. "Why do you hate yourself? Why are you letting him have control? STOP IT! Take control back, now!"

She'd spent years avoiding her friends parents not wanting to see their pain and anger hurled in her direction. And now she couldn't get away. She'd taken the yelling and crying for less than a minute before she finally heard it. After almost three years, she listened to the words that were being spoken to her. She _felt_ the words that were being spoken to her, and she fell to the floor, sobbing until it hurt. Sandra had sat with her, holding her and rocking back and forth, crying herself.

"No one blames you, Lindsay. No one hates you for surviving. You're killing yourself now. You have to stop. You have to stop."

"I hate myself," she had admitted finally, once she could speak again. Her throat was raw, her tongue dry, and she could barely form the words, but they came out.

"I'd hate myself too if I was acting like this."

The words stung, but they stung with truth.

"I don't want to do this anymore. It hurts too much."

"Then stop."

The answer had seemed so trite, too simple for such a big pain. She remembered shaking her head, thinking it would never work. But it had. She would feel anger start to spew and she would tell herself to stop. She would have an urge to drive her car into the side of a building, and she would tell herself to stop. Sometimes it only took once, sometimes she had to scream it before whatever it was went away.

And standing there now, in the cold dark of her kitchen, she said it again.

"Stop it, Lindsay. Stop."

The sense of calm that swept over her almost took her to her knees, and she tipped her head back against the cupboard, taking deep breaths, bringing herself back to reality. She had to get control of herself. She could feel and she could hurt, but she couldn't let it define her. She couldn't let herself be tortured constantly, being a victim first and foremost.

She pushed herself away from the counter and grabbed the broom and dustpan from where they rested next to the fridge and began to clean up her mess. Each piece of glass reminded her of what had been. Their edges were sharp and jagged, capable of injury, but easily crushed under pressure. She crushed each memory in her mind, every bad moment, every depressed thought, they all went into the dustpan and into the garbage, never to be thought of again. It was time to forgive herself, because survival was not her fault.


	8. Chapter 9

A/N: Super long chapter. I have kind of been laid up for a while. See, I jumped off this sand dune, trying to get an epic picture, and I landed stupidly. My knee is not in great shape, and we had to cut our beach trip short. Good news is I am mobile with and without crutches and the picture turned out pretty great. I made it my avatar up there on my profile, so in case you're wondering what stupidity looks like… there it is. Anyway, I know there have been a lot of Sleight Out of Hand post eps, but hopefully this one doesn't rehash much of those. Enjoy.

* * *

A fresh cup of coffee sat on the table in front of her, the sunlight from the windows reflecting on the dark liquid as it steamed. It was early, barely a reasonable hour, but she had slept so well and woken up while the sky was still a periwinkle color, illuminating her room in an ethereal blanket of morning. The grandfather clock was ticking gently in the other room, and she could hear her parents shuffling around upstairs. They would be surprised to find her here, as she had been excruciatingly difficult to get out of bed in the mornings when she was growing up. She always groaned and rolled over at their wake up calls, sometimes tossing her pillow at their retreating backs or getting up just long enough to slam the door behind them. She had never liked being told what to do, but if they had simply asked, she would have jumped up, bright eyed and bushy tailed. She supposed it was her stubborn side, but that didn't mean it was wrong.

She sipped the coffee slowly and stared out the window. Frost coated everything, but she knew it would be gone within the hour, and the day could turn as hot as the blazes before lunch. Of course, it was February, so it might stay cold all day. Most of the year was a tossup on what kind of weather they would get. Her bare feet skimmed against the floor as she gently kicked them back and forth. Her toenails were bright pink, compliments of her niece Tessa, and she kind of liked them that way.

"Hey Little, what are you doing up?"

She turned to find her dad, already dressed and looking ready to hit the barn. He always looked the same in the mornings; a flannel shirt, and old Stetson, thick jeans and a pair of boots. She could count on her hand the number of times he had worn something else, and none of those were weddings, funerals, or graduations.

"Mornin' daddy."

"And you made coffee? What did you break?"

"I didn't break nothin', and if I had, you wouldn't care anyway."

"I'd pay ya to break some of your moms Hummel figurines."

"I heard that, Dale," Anne said, as she breezed around the corner and got a few eggs out of the fridge. "I can't believe after almost forty years of marriage, you're conspiring against me."

"Keeps things interesting," he said, pulling her into a hug.

"Oh knock it off. You snored all night long."

"You love me."

"I tolerate you," she said, rolling her eyes before allowing him to kiss her. Lindsay chuckled and shook her head, their antics a comfortable white noise as her mind wandered to other things.

She thought about going upstairs to wake Danny, but figured she'd give him a little longer. She knew he had pulled a triple, plus flying all the way out here and dealing with her family and their questions, he had to be exhausted. He was sleeping in the room next to hers and had taken a long time saying goodnight. They stood in her doorway, talking softly, the moon illuminating them in silver. He'd wanted to kiss her and she'd wanted to kiss him, but by some unspoken rule they had both pushed it off, waiting for a time when the emotions of the day weren't so close to the surface.

Her mind slid over the trial, but didn't stick there, instead resting in the relief that she had felt when the verdict was read. It was the best feeling she had ever experienced, and she wondered if it would ever be topped.

"Lindsay?"

"Hmm?"

"Ground control to Major Tom."

"Sorry mama. I was thinkin' about somethin'."

"G's, Lindsay Anne."

She sighed and exchanged a look with her dad. Her mother never ceased to try and correct her daughters' sloppy grammar. The boys could say y'all and hootenanny until the cows came home, but heaven forbid her daughter didn't speak like she had been scurried away to Buckingham Palace on her first birthday. Sometimes she threw in extra "hoo-ees, git gone's" and "I ain't never did nothin's" just for amusement.

"Would you like pancakes this morning?"

"Sure. Want help?"

Anne let that one slip and shook her head.

"No, you sit and relax. Entertain your father with stories of the city."

"Stories of the city? You mean like the two pairs of pants that got ruined from draggin' on the ground and picking up someone else's gum? Or maybe the homeless guy I pass every day that always tries to get my number? Oh, or maybe you wanna hear about the crappy sex tape I saw."

"Lindsay Anne Monroe!"

"What? I didn't see it on purpose. It was evidence and I walked by and… you're more upset that I said crappy, ain't ya?"

"You're gonna turn your mama's hair gray, Little."

"Yeah, well she'll still look classy like that."

"You got something brown on the end of your nose," Dale said, hiding his smile behind his coffee cup.

"Sucking up is survival at six a.m."

"Say that seven times fast. I triple dog dare you."

"No."

"Well, you sure told me."

"That I did, and don't you forget it old man."

"Hey, be nice. I have the power of my will."

"And I choose your retirement home. Which we need to discuss because that's right around the corner."

"Oh, we figured we'd just come live with you."

"Once you're senile enough I can leave and you'll think I'm there, so I guess we could think about it."

"Where'd you get that sass of yours?"

"Mama."

Laughter erupted out of her mouth at the look on her mother's face and she quickly toned it down, covering her face and shaking with amusement.

"You just got told and she didn't even say nothin'."

"It's scary over here on the other end of that look."

"Don't I know it."

"Poor daddy."

They all laughed together and continued with the teasing as Danny staggered into the room. His hair was wet from the shower, so he'd been up for at least a few minutes, but he still looked like he was suffering some kind of sleep hangover.

"Did we wake you up?" Lindsay asked, suddenly very conscious of the fact that she was wearing a tank top and shorts and hadn't fixed her hair.

"If by we, you mean you, then yes, you did."

"I'm sorry."

"S'okay. S'better than you yankin' on my ear to get me to wake up."

"You were asleep at your desk and drooling on our paperwork!"

"And ya couldn't say "Hey Danny wake up?""

"It involved a bet with Adam."

"It always does."

"Shuddup, Messer."

He smiled and sat down next to her, stealing her coffee. A grin spread across her face as she watched him drink it, knowing full well that he was going to want to spit it out.

"Geez, you sure know how to wake up out here. What's in this?"

"Bourbon," Dale said.

"Are you- you're jokin'."

"Nothin' gets by you, Messer," Lindsay teased, taking her cup back. "And there's nothing in it but coffee."

"That's her story and she's stickin' to it," Dale said, ruffling her hair.

"Daddy…" she whined, rolling her eyes, pushing his hand away.

"You gonna help me outside this morning?"

"Not on your life. I'm on vacation."

"And I'm retired, but I still gotta milk cows."

"Yeah, well you chose this life Daddy-o."

"I'm gonna beat you like a redheaded step-child," he said, standing up and wrapping his arm around her shoulders, kissing her hair before getting another cup of coffee.

"Geez Lindsay, you must be the favorite," Danny remarked with a smirk. "If I talked to my father like that today he'd still turn me over his knee."

"Maybe I just have more charm than you do," she replied with a shrug as he took another sip of her coffee.

"Daughters: a curse to fathers since the beginning of time."

"You just wait Danny. You'll have all girls one day and you're going to lose your mind."

"And there you'll be, laughing at me while I fight off high school boys and buy feminine products."

"Yeah, what are friends for?"

"You're an evil woman Lindsay Monroe."

"I do what I can."

He grinned as she took her coffee back, grimacing when she found he had downed most of it.

"Thief."

"You've stolen more from me before."

"Oh like what?"

"Well my heart of course."

"You're cornier than that field out there."

"Well at least we're even."

She rolled her eyes as her mom put a plate of pancakes and eggs in front of each of them.

"Eat up. If you're not gonna help your dad, then I've got a lot for you to do."

"Aw, come on mama! I don't wanna do nothin'."

"He who does not work does not eat."

"I'm a girl. Doesn't apply."

"You have an answer for everything, don't you?"

"It's my contribution to the world, mama."

"Eat your pancakes. I'll make a list."

Lindsay shot her an amused glare but ate her breakfast anyway, finishing about the time Danny did. She took their plates to the sink and washed them quickly, then finished cleaning up the rest of breakfast. She saved a portion on a covered plate for her dad, as he liked to eat after her had finished his morning chores.

They heard the front door open and the sound of little feet running across the wooden floor.

"Auntie Lin!"

"Kitchen."

Tessa flew around the corner, a tiny ball of pink, denim, and brown pigtails. She crashed into Lindsay's legs, almost knocking her over.

"Guess what, guess what?"

"I don't know, what?"

"Mommy and daddy have to work, and I'm gonna stay with you and grandma because there's no kindergarten today! And tonight is family dinner and daddy said that maybe grandma would let me help her cook!"

"Maybe she will. I've got to go run some errands though."

"Oh, can I please go with you? Please? I'll be really good!"

"Well, we'll see. I need to go and take a shower right now, so why don't you go watch some cartoons?"

"Okay!"

She ran into the other room and turned the TV on while Danny snickered.

"Your clone I presume?"

"Much to the annoyance of her father."

"Heard that!" Eli said as he rounded the corner into the kitchen. "And you're right, it does bother me."

Lindsay smiled as Eli hugged her.

"You doin' okay, Little?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. I'm better."

"Hey Danny," Eli said, reaching over to shake his hand. "How've you been?"

"Good. Busy. You?"

"'Bout the same. Glad to have sister home for a little while."

"Yeah, she's easy to miss."

Lindsay rolled her eyes and tossed the dishtowel on the counter.

"I'll be back."

She escaped upstairs and took a quick shower, throwing her hair into a ponytail before dressing in a plaid blouse, jeans and her boots. Danny would tease her, but he was going to be the one that looked out of place, and that made her feel better. She went back downstairs, finding Tessa entranced in cartoons and her mother sitting on the couch, finishing up the list.

"Mama, I didn't think you were serious about the list."

"I don't joke about chores, honey. Are you going to take the Squirt with you?"

"Yeah, if she's good."

"I'll be good, Auntie Lin, I really, really will."

"I know you will. But you might get bored too."

"I won't. I am full of entertainment you know."

"Yes I know."

Anne handed Lindsay the list and stood up from the couch.

"When you finish all that, could you pick the boys up from the elementary school? They have a half day."

"Can I cram them all in the car?"

"Take the Dodge, there's more room in the cab."

"You mean I get to drive daddy's truck?"

"Yeah, it's been long enough since you've used the e-brake to stop, I think it will be fine."

"Sweet. Hey Danny!" she called into the other room. "Are you coming with me?"

"Do I got a choice?"

"Nope. Get a move on."

He came out of the kitchen with a smirk on his face.

"Should I be afraid of her in a truck?"

"Maybe if Tessa wasn't going too. She'll drive relatively safe with minors in the car."

"You guys need to be nice to me," Lindsay grumped, grabbing her hoodie off the back of the couch and pulling it on.

"Yeah, maybe someday," Anne remarked, fixing the pillows on the couch. "Now get out of here."

"Yes ma'am," Lindsay said, ushering Tessa out the door. Danny followed them as they jumped down the porch steps and raced each other to the truck.

"I won, I won!" Tessa shouted, jumping up and down.

"You cut me off at the corner!"

"There was no corner Auntie Lin!"

"Okay, you win," she chuckled, lifting her niece into the truck.

"Can we listen to our song Auntie Lin?"

"It's in the house."

"Please?"

Lindsay sighed and climbed back down from the truck, heading inside for a second, then returning with a CD.

"The things I do for you," she muttered, putting the CD into the player. Danny chuckled and buckled his seat belt as Lindsay started the truck and headed for town.

"Where are we going first?" Tessa asked.

"We need to go pick up some parts that grandpa ordered at the store. Danny, you're going to have to do some lifting into the back of the truck."

"That all I'm good for?"

"Mostly."

"Thanks a lot."

She grinned as Tessa reached over and turned the CD on. Quintessential '90's music flooded out and Danny groaned. Chick music.

"You like to dance and listen to the music, I like to sing with the band. You like your hands splashing in the ocean, but I like my feet on the sand. Does anybody have it any better? Isn't it easy to see just how well we fit together?"

Danny chuckled as they sang along, Tessa playing the air guitar and Lindsay playing the piano parts on the dashboard. He'd never seen her let loose like this. Usually she had a little reservation behind her eyes, some hesitations before she smiled. Maybe it was being in Montana, or maybe it was that the case had some closure. Whatever it might be, he was glad he was getting to experience it.

* * *

"Hey Tessa?"

"Yeah?"

"If I get you an ice-cream cone, do you promise not to tell the boys?"

"Ice-cream? I'd do anything for ice cream!" Tessa hollered. Danny chuckled as she turned and looked at him, her eyes wide.

"Do you like ice-cream Mr. Danny?"

"I sure do."

"What kind is your favorite?"

"I don't know. I like chocolate and vanilla mixed together."

"I never tried that before! Can I try it today Auntie Lin?" she asked, tugging on Lindsay's hand as they walked down the street.

"Yeah, if that's the kind you want."

"I so do!"

"Okay, we've got to pick up grandma's dry cleaning first and then we'll get ice-cream."

Tessa squealed in delight and jumped up and down before grabbing Danny's hand too.

"Let's get a move on!" she said, pulling them down the street. Her hair bounced on her shoulders as she skipped between them, and for a split second he saw what life could be like a few years from now. He looked over and Lindsay and saw the woman that he wanted to be the mother of his children. It scared him a little that he could imagine a commitment, but it also excited him that without thinking about it, she was the one he saw in his future.

"Can we go look in the pet store?" Tessa asked, looking longingly in the windows.

"Sweetie, we don't really have enough time for that and ice-cream before we have to get the boys."

"But just a quick fast look?"

"Ice-cream or pet store honey."

"But… I want both."

"How 'bout I'll take her into the pet store while you get the dry cleaning?" Danny offered.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. We'll only be a few minutes."

"Please Auntie Lin?"

"Yeah, please Auntie Lin?"

Lindsay sighed and nodded.

"Okay, but you are not allowed to buy her a pet or anything resembling a pet."

"We'll be on our best behavior."

"Alright, go ahead. I'll be 10 minutes."

Danny kept a hold on Tessa's hand as she galloped to the pet store, her eyes growing wider as she got closer.

"Look, they got lizards!" she exclaimed as they stepped through the door. "And birds! Can I pet the puppies?"

"Hey, one thing at a time kiddo. What do you want to look at first?"

"The puppies! Lift me up so I can see!"

He picked her up and she leaned over to look at the puppies scampering around their enclosure. She giggled as they rolled and tumbled over each other, then leaned down to pet one of them.

"Do you have a dog, Mr. Danny?"

"Nah, my apartment doesn't allow them."

"Did you have one when you were growing up?"

"No, but there was and old lady across the street that had a dog. She let me play with it."

"Was it a boy or a girl?"

"It was a boy. His name was Turbo."

"Was he really fast?"

"Not really. I think they just liked that name."

"I would name my dog Abracadabra."

"Oh really?"

"Yep. Did you know I have a horse? Her name is Bluebell. And Bluebell's mommy is Auntie Lin's horse."

"Auntie Lin has a horse too?"

"Well she did, but Aqua died. Her whole name was Aqua Velvet cuz that's what Auntie Llin thought that man's perfume was called. But it's not. But anyway, Aqua had a baby and it was my horse, but then a little bit later Aqua died. So sometimes I share Bluebell with her."

"That's nice of you."

"Can we look at the lizards now?"

"Sure."

They wandered the store for a while longer, Tessa telling him everything she knew about each animal, and what she would name them if she was ever allowed to get one. Danny watched as her eyes sparkled, the way she crinkled up her nose when she was thinking. He figured if he was ever to become a father, he'd want girls, just for times like these.

The bell on the door jingled and Lindsay walked in, smiling when she found Danny and Tessa crouched down near a low cage.

"I would never get a spider," Tessa was saying. "They're ugly and dangerous."

"Did you know that your Auntie Lin ate a spider once?"

"Why in the whole world would she ever do that?"

"Because she's kind of crazy."

Tessa giggled and wrapped her arms around Danny's neck as he lifted her up again. Lindsay felt her heart melt a little, seeing Danny like this. He was listening to everything Tessa was saying, as if she were the most important person in the world. Lindsay almost hated to disturb them, but they really had to get going if they were going to pick the boys up on time.

"Hey guys, ready for ice-cream?" she asked, trying to ignore the feeling in her stomach, from seeing her niece cradled so safely in Danny's arms.

"Yeah! Let's go! Mr. Danny can I ride on your shoulders?"

"Sure."

He lifted her onto his shoulders and she giggled as they made their way out of the store. Lindsay reached over and took Danny's hand, giving him a smile. He smiled back, catching her meaning.

"Can I get gummi bears with my ice-cream?" Tessa asked as they approached the small ice-cream shop.

"I think just ice-cream is enough for today. You haven't even had lunch yet."

"Okay. But maybe next time you come to 'Atana I could have gummi bears?"

"Yeah, maybe next time."

* * *

"Boys, guess what?" Tessa shrieked as the youngest of Lindsay's nephews toppled into the backseat of the truck cab.

"What?"

"There is no way that Auntie Lin got me ice-cream."

"You got ice-cream?" David asked, his eyebrows raising.

"How did you know? I said I didn't!" she grumped, turning around and crossing her arms.

The boys started to complain that they hadn't had ice-cream, and Lindsay shushed them and turned up the radio over their voices.

"You like chaos," Danny observed.

"I may have a fondness for it," Lindsay replied as she turned the truck in the direction of her parents house. Danny grinned and stared out the window, feeling like a nap was in order. He'd only slept about six hours in the past four days, and they had done more running around this morning than he was used to.

"Does everyone in your family sing in the car?" he asked Tessa, as Lindsay and the boys sang a song he hadn't heard in years.

"Just with Auntie Lin. She knows every song in the whole world."

"Do you know who sings this one?"

"I dunno. Auntie Lin, what's this song?"

"Breakfast at Tiffany's by Deep Blue Something."

"Deep Blue what?" Danny asked

"Something."

"But what is it?"

"That's their name. Deep Blue Something."

"Deep Blue WHAT?"

"Nothing! The last word is Something."

"Deep Blue Nothing?"

"No!"

"How can you be frustrated with me right now?"

"You're not paying attention to what I'm saying, Danny!"

"But I'm confused!"

"You wouldn't be if you took it at face value."

"But when someone can't remember somethin' they usually say "somethin'" in place of the word they can't remember. So I thought that's what you were sayin'!"

The kids were all giggling by this point, delighted in Danny's confusion and Lindsay's frustration.

"You're so difficult, Messer."

"Am I worth it?"

"I don't know yet. What are you gonna get me for my birthday?"

"Somethin'," he replied with a shrug and a wink. She snorted back a laugh and stopped the truck in her parents driveway. The boys clambered out the back and headed inside shouting about their day at school and Danny and Lindsay's fight. Tessa followed behind them a little slower, the sleeves of Danny's sweatshirt almost dragging on the ground. She had complained about being cold shortly after her ice-cream was gone, and Danny had let her wear his sweatshirt, and act that only made Lindsay swoon a little more.

Silently, Lindsay and Danny unloaded the back of the truck, making sure they got every last bag of groceries and other things, but leaving the farming equipment parts there.

"I could use a nap," Danny said as they went up the porch steps.

"You can crash on the couch in the den. It's pretty quiet in there."

"Normally I'd say no, but that sounds really good. What are you gonna do?"

"Help the kids with their homework, start some laundry, help mom with dinner."

"Do you ever rest?"

"I try not to."

He chuckled as they delivered the purchases to Anne in the kitchen.

"I think I'm gonna go grab that nap. Don't let me sleep too long."

* * *

Four hours later, Lindsay crept into the dimly lit and quiet den, away from the noise of her family. Danny was sleeping soundly on the couch, and she hated to wake him up, but she knew he wouldn't sleep tonight. She giggled a little and her pace quickened. She was half in the air to jump on him when his eyes opened and he grabbed her, pulling her down on the couch. She laughed as his hands ran up and down her side, tickling her.

"Danny, don't!"

"Ah, but it's fun to make you squirm."

"I'll make you squirm," she threatened, finally managing to grab his hand. Their eyes locked and they both lay there panting from their short lived struggle, acutely aware of their positions and proximity.

"Hey," he said finally, giving her a half smile.

"Hi."

He reached up and brushed a fallen strand of hair behind her ear, their stomachs pressing together with every breath.

"Danny?"

"Hmm?"

"You didn't have to come out here."

"I know that. But I felt like you might need a little support."

"I did. Thank you."

"I'd do anything for you. Do you know that?"

"I do now."

His thumb dropped from her hair to her face where his thumb gently traced her lips. She reciprocated back, her lips giving the slightest of pressures that he wasn't even sure was real.

"Aunt Lin!" one of the boys shouted from the other room. "Dinner!"

Lindsay's face flushed a little and she climbed off the couch.

"Umm…" she started.

"It's okay. I know."

She grinned and helped him off the couch, and they made their way out to join the family.

* * *

Saturday passed by lazily, and they spent it mostly outside as the weather was unseasonably warm. She showed him every nook and cranny of the ranch, even her treasured hiding spots. They walked the fields and talked about trivial things, their hands brushing every few steps. They fell into comfortable rhythms of teasing, his arm draped over her shoulder, her arm snaked around his waist. Once the sun went down they cuddled up on the couch and watched re-runs of The Andy Griffith Show.

Sunday morning he woke up early and put on the clothes he had bought in town the day before. "Going with your instincts" didn't apparently include packing a bag, so he'd had to improvise. He wasn't looking forward to going to church with her family, as it wasn't really his thing, but he figured it would be a lot easier than trying to get out of it.

"Ready to go?" Lindsay asked, poking her head into his room. He nodded and set his comb on the dresser before following her downstairs. She was wearing a white dress and brown cowboy boots with a jean jacket thrown over the top just to heighten the country image. They walked to the car silently and she slid behind the wheel, adjusting her sunglasses. Her parents had left an hour ago, as they had things to do at church. Danny watched Lindsay as she drove, sensing her discomfort. She was biting her lip and breathing slightly faster than normal. He reached over and slid his fingers across the back of her hand hoping that it would calm her a little.

"You alright?"

"Mhmm."

"So that's your normal face?"

She shot him a look as she parked the car at the church. She sat quietly for a while, staring at the building, looking like she wanted to say something.

"What's going on?"

"I don't wanna go in there," she whispered, looking down at her hands.

"Why not?"

She took a deep breath and a few moments before answering.

"I used to be the good girl. Fill the pew, teach Sunday School, work in the nursery. Anything needed to be done and Lindsay would do it. And I loved it. I had bookmarks all over my Bible, I prayed all the time. And then the diner happened and I lost it. I stopped believing in all of it. I didn't understand how it could happen, not if God was the God I had learned about all my life. I understand it now, the evilness of man and free will, but I don't think I ever got over that. I felt rejected, like God had turned His back on me. So I turned my back on Him, and now I don't feel worthy to come back. My head knows things, but my heart does most of my decision making. I walk in those doors and I feel guilty. I know there's forgiveness, but I just can't accept that I can have it."

He was quiet for a while, his hand gripping hers, not knowing exactly what to say.

"Let's walk," he said after a minute. They got out of the car and he took her hand as they made their way down the dirt road.

"You know, I was more of the worshipping at the church of the Yankee Stadium kind of guy, so I don't really know how deeply this hurts you. But my grandmother took me to church sometimes, and if there's one thing I remember, it's that love keeps no record of wrongs. I also remember something about God is love. But I ain't no preacher, so don't quote me on that."

She chuckled and watched the ground as they walked. He could almost see the gears turning in her head.

"I guess part of it is shame. Coming back would mean admitting all the things I did wrong, remembering a part of my life that I don't want to ever think about again. But there's that part of me that still clings to church and faith, still wants it, and I can't ignore that either."

"I wish I had an answer for ya, Linds."

"I'll find it someday. Maybe I need to stop pushing it away."

"I think there's a lot of things you push away, Montana."

"I know. I'm not as bad as I used to be."

He smiled and pulled her into a tight hug.

"I've seen you come so far in the last year, and even in the last two days. And whatever I can do to keep that going, you just let me know."

"Thanks, Danny."

He crooked his finger under her chin and tipped it up slightly. Her eyes slid closed as his lips brushed against hers, sealing the promise he had just made, and all the ones he would make in the future.


	9. Chapter 10

A/N: Okay, so I knew I had to do this chapter, but I had no idea how. I think I kind of ended up in my own head and how I would react if I was in the situation. Only with less "Oh crap, what have I done!" Yes, I am like that. Anyway.

* * *

That was not how she had planned it.

Not that she had ever really planned it per se, but she had an idea of how she was going to go about things. There had never been a pool table included in that. She'd always assumed that it would happen when she was more prepared. Call her naïve, old fashioned or prude, but she'd always figured it would happen with a ring on her finger and vows spoken just hours before. Nothing had happened the way she had thought it would, especially since arriving in New York. She never in a million years thought she would meet Danny and fall in love, despite her determination not to.

She wasn't sure if she was disappointed in herself or surprised or full of regret, or whether she was going to take this like she took most things. With a shrug and a "things happen" and the resignation that you can't change whatever happened. It wasn't so much what had happened as it was her newfound ability to let go.

Maybe there was a reason. Had this not happened, she would have been the one at that crime scene with Adam, and she wasn't sure that they would have survived. Danny was the one that needed to be there, or it could have been a lot worse. Maybe in the grand scheme of things, that was what mattered.

She sighed and rubbed her eyes, wanting to put her head down on her desk and sleep for just a little while. She and Danny hadn't discussed anything. Of course he'd been a little preoccupied lately, but she was hoping they could have at least said something. She wanted to talk about it. She needed to talk about it. But there was no one to talk to, no one who knew her well enough to put it into perspective for her. And Danny… she hadn't been completely honest with him about the whole thing anyway. He didn't know why she had hesitated so much, or even why she had avoided a relationship with him for so long. It wasn't really fair that he didn't know and she shook her head, wishing that they had slowed down and talked about it. She'd always been one to overanalyze, talk things to death, mull everything over before making a decision. Maybe it was her fear of the unknown, or maybe she was just a woman, but either way, her hesitations had ruined a lot of things in her life.

She had to stop being scared. Stop worrying about how things were going to go, stop thinking that it would turn out for the worst. It wasn't an easy life, living as a frightened pessimist. Sure, she came out of things with less emotional scarring, but she also had less to hold onto. It had worked out when she was younger, but that was the past. She was an adult now and she had to quit acting like a teenager.

She hadn't planned it, hadn't dreamed it, and she still didn't know how she felt about it, but something told her, for the first time in her life, that everything was going to be okay.


End file.
